my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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