he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
