i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
