dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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