Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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