I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
