He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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