i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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