New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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