I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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