It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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