i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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