By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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