i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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