There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize