The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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