I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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