You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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