I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
did i just pee glitter
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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