Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
