I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
