He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
