I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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