I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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