here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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