I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
