The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
