I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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