Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
