If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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