Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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