We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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