don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
