I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
sarcasm needs its own font
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
