my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
