went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i used baking grease as lip gloss
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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