someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Moan for me like Helen Keller
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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