I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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