I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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