can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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