you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
