soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
