I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
