I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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