I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
