she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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