hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
