broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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