You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize