omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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