I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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