she woke up with a sticky ear
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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