I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
